I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
