I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Found the puke drawer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
