oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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