Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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