I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
