Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
