Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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