I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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