I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
