I need help removing her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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