I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
