My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
