But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
