The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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