mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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