Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
