I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
