either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
