I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Every concussion has its silver lining
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
