I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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