life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a burrito and a hug.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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