That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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