Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
