Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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