Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
