Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
