Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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