We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
