I heard we made out
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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