I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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