farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
