Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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