His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
