Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
