at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
