Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
