Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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