I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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