omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
