if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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