A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
