So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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