From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
