You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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