there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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