Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
