he wants to bone in the snuggie
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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