that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
