I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
