I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
